another UPDATE my apology- 1st post our new littlest sister

[fairtradefamily]

whom we met this years is getting married in october and she invited me and my life-long sister to be in the wedding....and I look at her webpage and she has made our sister the maid of honor and me just a bridesmaid. she met both of us in july. and even though i chat daily with my life-long sister and with our new sister weekly at least, no one mentioned that she put life-long sister ahead of me in the bridal party.

I know i am too sensitive but she could have made her life-long friend the maid of honor and had her two sisters be bridesmaids without distinction. i personally would have said no to being matron of honor to protect my life-long sister's feelings, but i understand she just asked us both to be in the wedding and then assigned a "favorite".

she also asked my life-long sister's 3yo daughter to be flower girl and other kids to be in the wedding party and not my boys...she even decided not to have a ringbearer although at least 2 of mine could have been the right age. she asked my oldest a month ago if he would be a greeter or something unofficial but did not list him as part of the wedding party when she listed our niece and her other nieces and nephews-in-law.

I am already feeling like the LEAST favored in our chats since she doesn't approve of homeschooling or not using my degrees or my crunchiness and granted she is only 22, but my heart is very sad

it is going to cost us more than 3000 dollars to get to her wedding and find our own place to stay and transport and in the middle of busy season at work for dh and I and soccer which i coach and I am sure I will cry during the ceremony every time they mention maid of honor and it is one of the sisters and not me.

am i being ridiculous?

UPDATE:
i shared my feelings in a pretty neutral way but was met with a lot of serious resentment from 11 years ago and not trying harder to know her and was accused of not wanting to know her and making everything about me and then was further attacked on parenting skills and she thinks all of my choices regarding homebirthing and breastfeeding and other causes and working from home....i said very little and tried to bite my tongue, but it came down to her bringing up a potty accident that ds4 had and saying she doesn't understand how someone so well educated could be so stupid and lazy to not put a diaper on her kid.... i ended things there....so marcie was right....once she knew i was unhappy I am worse than uninvited...I am out a sister totally less than a year after we met

i can't believe this happened

THE APOLOGY I SENT:

I would like to say that I am sorry for bringing up anything related to the wedding party. It is, of course, absolutely your and Bobby's choice who is in your wedding, and it is an honor to be invited in any respect. I am sure that partly the emotions of being new to the sisters relationship for me played into my even bringing it up. I really know I should not have. I know you have spent a lot of time planning each detail and we will be happy to be there no matter how we're involved.

I also do want to say that I am sorry that you feel I do not care very much to know you. I don't know how I can assure you that I am very interested in learning about your life and in sharing ours with you. I love you and care about you deeply.

As far as an apology for the events 11 years ago, I know I apologized in April and that you said we had a fresh start, but there is obviously leftover pain from that. I totally understand. Again, I am sorry. I did make a mistake. Jen and I both did. We always regretted it and spent years searching for you to tell you so. I understand if you cannot forgive us completely for those lost years, and I am willing to talk about it anytime and you may ask any questions of me you would like.

Now, for the attacks on my personal character and parenting I could counter each of your statements. I am choosing not to. I don't even really believe you believe those things about me. I think it was just a really bad day. You may have some strong feelings about some of my decisions, but I think that under any other circumstances it could have been a totally different conversation. It might take me a little while to totally heal from that too, but I am more interested in having a relationship with you than spending any more time thinking about that day.

I will still sign into IM as much as possible during this very busy work week but i will await when you are ready to talk to me. I may be flying to Ohio for my goddaughter's memorial service and that of her baby sister. I do hope we talk soon though.
_________________
Tiffany, homeschooling mom to 4 great boys: isaiah(3-98 ); aidan(4-00); ephraim(10-02); asher(1-05) ; nak from 1998-2008

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[jennyofthemoon]

Your feelings are what they are...and that's no ridiculous

I think that I would probably feel quite similar, to be honest, given that you both are "new" sisters to her Isn't that not PC to say??

Has you ll sis said anything to you about the situation? It's possible that she feels uncomfortable with all this as well, in which case I would maybe talk to the "new" sis about how you are both feeling.

In the end, though, it's her wedding and she does have the right to do as she wishes. I think that sometimes brides get caught up in things, and don't always think about the implications or the feelings of those who they invite to be part of their wedding. Your feelings are really valid as well, so I guess if it were me, I would weigh the pros and cons of the entire situation and take it from there.

!!
_________________
Jen
Mama to A, J, L and S

[fairtradefamily]

i gave her an open window to explain by emailing her last night.

it is little things that make me feel rejected. i really wouldn't otherwise care if the whole getting to know her period wasn't so hard to begin with.... when she visited she stayed with our sister because she has teh big house and one kid and is a better host than me....we always have a mess and loud and stray folks staying here....lol

of course she can do as she wishes with her wedding.....but I feel picked on...she even told us where and what color for the dresses and after spending all day looking here in arizona with our sister i chose a favorite dress and then we got an email saying the dress our sister chose was ok but that I would have to choose another style because it wasn't formal enough

granted when we met her a month before she got engaged she planned to either never marry or elope with her fiance (who flew out to meet us with her) in vegas with us in tow,,,,now it is a 10k affair planned 15 months in advance!! so thought out but apparently not very when it comes to my feelings...kwim?
_________________
Tiffany, homeschooling mom to 4 great boys: isaiah(3-98 ); aidan(4-00); ephraim(10-02); asher(1-05) ; nak from 1998-2008

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[steph322]

I don't offer this as a judgement of your feelings, I am simply telling you my situation so you have it for comparison.

When I got married, I had a cousin be my maid of honor, and my sister one of the bridesmaids. Although I am close with my sister, I was closer with the cousin. It bothered my parents, but my sister at least says it didn't bother her. When she got married a few years later, she had a friend as maid of honor, and me as a bridesmaid.

I would be hurt if this was done by someone I was extremely close to. But I think it stinks when people getting married have to spend a huge amount of time worrying about hurting other people's feelings, and still can never get it right.
_________________
Stephanie, mommy to March babies Jamie 3/22/05, and Samantha, 3/20/07!

[fairtradefamily]

[mrsjackblack]

i dunno, i don't want to sound mean at all, i think of course you have the right to feel the way you do. they're your feelings. but, it's her wedding and if she feels your other sister is right for the job of matron of honor then that is her choice. it's an honor to your sister, not a slight to you. being a MOH is a lot of work, and she probably knows you wouldn't have the time for it anyway. and with all of your sons, she probably didn't want to choose just one of them, and all of them would have been too many. it's so hard when it is your wedding to make everyone happy. family relations always get in the way. try hard not to feel this is about you, and just be happy your life long sister is getting this honor. feelings always seem to get hurt about this sort of thing weddings
_________________
ramona, wife to 1 and mama to 3
archer 7, eleri 5, lyra 3 and our angel bryony 5.13.11
and an unexpected girly blessing due 5.23.12
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[awesomama]

honestly, and maybe i'm a bitch, i wouldn't go.

she is very young so some of her views may change, with time, and she will have to live with her choices, but it does seem like a very hurtful and intentional situation when i think about all the little things.

if it were just the maid of honor thing, i might suck it up, if i were you, and accept that maybe she is choosing a "favorite" but by excluding your little ones who could be joint ring bearers and ignoring the older ones by not even naming the ushers, it feels like a big slap in the face.

i would just politely thank her for the invitation to be part of the bridal party but decline due to the financial aspect of traveling. and let her know that you do not wish to travel without your family to part of this experience, but you wish a wonderful day and the best of luck.
_________________

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[fairtradefamily]

thanks for the replies.

i have to GO to the wedding.....especially since it is my "fault" that when she was 11 and we talked for a few months that I lost contact with her....she should have been in MY wedding and our sisters. we should have known her all along.

now as far as ushers...she did choose two adult friends but never mentioned that she asked Isaiah to do this greeter/usher job.

and i think that choosing a favorite during a critical time in our new relationship was really thoughtless, even if our sister could do it better than me....i mean she is thousands of miles away here in arizona with me....how helpful can she be with the planning even with more time....the local dear friend would have made sense. it really feels like a slight to me....and I feel PETTY for letting it make me feel bad.

if you all knew me in real life...i cry at the drop of a hat....and I try to be sensitive to others and spend a lot of time showing people how much i love them.... this feels like a losing battle getting to know her...always has....even when she visited she sat nearer to our sister and talked more to her.... it is no one's fault i suppose....i am a little intense and hard to understand sometimes...but i thought i was an easy to LOVE person....

thanks to everyone who is listening!
_________________
Tiffany, homeschooling mom to 4 great boys: isaiah(3-98 ); aidan(4-00); ephraim(10-02); asher(1-05) ; nak from 1998-2008

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[babygirlsmom1005]

This is part of the reason we're not having a wedding with a wedding party. Not sister related but dad related. My Step-Dad and my Father both want to walk me down the isle, but they won't do it together (like one on each side). Neither are paying for anything, my soon to be DH and I are footing the bill for the whole thing. So I have told both of them, they are to be nice on my wedding day and since they don't want to do it MY way, neither of them are getting to do it and if either had a problem with that, they can stay at home. I can tell you for the little ceremony we are planning, it's been stressful on me since I am having to make all the arrangements without any assistance from a MOH, family, friends or anyone else.

This may sounds harsh (remember, stessful soon to be bride ), but this day is for her and her husband, not the rest of the family or friends. I would feel honored since you just met/reconnected that you were invited to be part of the wedding party and leave it at that, not play the you choose so and so over me, I must not be liked, because truthfully, if it was me and I found out about this, I would tell you I am not going to have any drama on MY wedding day and to not come at all. This day is about 2 people joining together and sharing their vows to be together forever, not we need to make sure everyone is included equally & everyone is happy, because I can tell you, it can never happen and your never going to make everyone happy. Like I said, sorry it sounded harsh, jusy my 2 cents.
_________________
Marcie, mommy to Madeline 10/05, Marshall 4/09 and Merric 9/11

[awesomama]

oops....meant to make new post, not reply
_________________

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[babygirlsmom1005]

[awesomama]

[babygirlsmom1005]

[fairtradefamily]

thanks for your opinion on things too!

i am a little shocked about the disinvite you would put out for me for being hurt about it.

i do think that a wedding is about WAY more than the bride and groom....otherwise one would be married privately or only invite a very select group not caring who was excluded. when you invite your family and friends you make it ABOUT them too. they bring presents or well wishes or their company and you provide the event.

some things you do FOR the people you love...offer vegetarian food for those who don't eat meat...or even feeding people to begin with...there are a few things that are necessary to compromise on or to at least think about with sensitivity and careful consideration

.it isn't a play starring the bride and groom...it is a community celebration about everyone there...

i at least think she could have explained it to me before i stumbled on the info...i mean we talk ALL the TIME
_________________
Tiffany, homeschooling mom to 4 great boys: isaiah(3-98 ); aidan(4-00); ephraim(10-02); asher(1-05) ; nak from 1998-2008

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[babygirlsmom1005]