So emotional, tomorrow is the boys burial

[tsbaskets777]

It has been 9 weeks today that I delivered the boys, my HCG is finally down to 4.7 and considered negative no more blood tests. The tech was very pregnant today that drew my blood. I had to keep taking deep breaths to stop myself from crying. I'm actually surprised that the HCG was that low because I had a line on the wondfo from this morning.

I went on BCP in hopes of getting things back to normal with my hormones. Hoping once I stop BCP AF will show and I will physically feel better, I'm tired of bleeding/spotting. I see my OB in Dec for my annual physical and will discuss with him about when we should do our FET, he told John wait 6 months, hoping not 6 cycles. I was wanting to do our FET in February, 6 months is March. I need the time to get back into mental/physical shape. I've been drinking a glass of wine and snacking way to much, I can tell I've gained weight. Just very discouraged.

We went to mass last Sunday and I cried almost the whole way thru it. John doesn't understand why I don't want to go, he worked this Sunday and I refused to take the girls, I just don't want to go back to mass. I cried the whole way to church on Sunday taking Kylee to 1st communion class. I had to force myself to take & pick up Kylee in the Chapel, doesn't help she was lighting a candle for the babies when I went to pick her up. No one at the church knows of our loss. John & I are having issues, he thinks I should be over it. I don't know how I'm going to handle the service tomorrow, it is at the chapel at the cemetery. Funny thing is it at a Catholic cemetery and when we wanted a priest there were none available the day of or the day after I delivered the boys. I never could call and see about a headstone. It is a group burial and I don't have a clue how these things work. I have taken the whole day off from work tomorrow and Wednesday, thinking I might need a mental health day on Wednesday.

Thank you if you gotten this far, just hormonal & very frustrated with life right now. I want to be happy again, sadly not for sure how to go about it. I am seeing a counselor & know it will take time. Thank you again for listening and I do feel better once I put it down.
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Tammy John 6-03
Worked has me blocked will reply when I get home.
Mom to Nat 24 RN ER, David 21, Kylee 8 3rd grade & Bailee 6 1st grade
9-12-11 born sleeping Andrew & Bennett, we miss you. An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book "Too Beautiful for Earth"

[sparkynfiesty]

Many hugs and prayers for you Tammy. I've been there and I know... take time to grieve, to remember, to be angry, to be hurt.. only you know how much time you need. It's been just over 3 years for me and I'm not over it, I no longer dwell on it daily but it's still always there in the back of my mind.. what could have been? I don't think it's something you "get over", just something you learn to cope with.
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[Just Nikki]

(((huge gentle hugs))) There is no "getting over" this. I am sorry you are not feeling supported and are so sad. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and help out with the plans
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[sjccheerdoll]

[SGRAHA]

I think sometimes for husbands it's easier for them to just "move on" and forget their pain than it is for them to deal with it. When we had our 2 losses (m/c's) my dh was like that. But for us it's more of a process. You are doing the absolute right thing by seeing a counselor and taking time off from work when you feel you'll need it.
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[ktlady]

Thinking about you and lots of hugs and prayers.
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[tsbaskets777]

Thank you ladies. There is a support group and I haven't been able to make myself attend. We don't have anyone to watch the girls for both of us to go together. My counselor works with couples in IF & loss she understand everything we went thru to get were we are today. We have had two m/c prior to this pg and I hate to say they were easier but I knew from the beginning things weren't right.

I do have a classmate that has contacted me after the loss of the boys because she was/is carrying a baby that won't survive. I talked to her last week and she asked me about attending a support group together once she feels up to it, I think I can make myself go if I knew someone there.
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Tammy John 6-03
Worked has me blocked will reply when I get home.
Mom to Nat 24 RN ER, David 21, Kylee 8 3rd grade & Bailee 6 1st grade
9-12-11 born sleeping Andrew & Bennett, we miss you. An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book "Too Beautiful for Earth"

[~LiLaC~]

Thinking of you today, Tammy.

I do think men cope in different ways than we do, but that does not mean you should be unsupported in your very normal emotions during the difficult few months you have faced. You need to grieve on your own terms, not on a timeline set by someone else. Are you still planning a trip out to see your son? Hopefully some time away might steer things more towards normal for you. I do hope you are able to go to meetings with your friend. Sending prayers her way as well
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[couchhound]

Thinking of you and praying today Tammy.
_________________
Ellen
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[Moonstone]

thinking of you today.
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Sending gentle hugs today.
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[oakanwillow]

Thinking of you and yours today
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[Leimarie]

Praying for you Tammy. Miranda's funeral services were very hard and these weeks following even more so. Will be praying for you during the coming weeks. <3
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-Lisa
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