When is it time to find a counselor...for a 2 year old?

[zieroth07]

My husband is deployed and for 8 months before that, they were on lock down on board his ship, so the girls haven't seen him much since we moved here. For a while things were going smoothly, but in the last month, they've gone to crap. My oldest won't sleep, she cries constantly, she refuses to go on the potty (she'll be three next month and this regression makes me feel like I'm failing, she's been going on the potty since 18 months) and asks to wear diapers, she's getting rough with her sister...the list goes on and on. She cries for Daddy probably 2-4 hours a day. I pop in a video of him reading, our wedding video, videos with the two of them together, but lately all it does is make her MORE upset.

They are like glue when he's home. The two of them have a bond stronger than my bond with her, which considering he was deployed the first year of her life, is amazing. She adores him and all she wants to do is talk to him, but due to the nature of his current position, can't happen very often. When he does get to call, she doesn't want to talk, she just stares at the phone.

To make matters worse, my mom, who I'm not very close with, will call and when Bella says something about 'Daddy' my mom quickly changes the subject, where we normally take that time and talk about what he's doing and how much he loves and misses her (When my family came out here to visit they told her that Daddy doesn't care and left...because he was underway, that is their way of talking to her when he's away, it's BS). If I tell my mom that Bella can't talk to her because she's having a bad day she gets mad and tells me that I'm trying to keep Bella from her. I'm trying to figure out what is best for this child, the more she talks to other people on the phone, the more she thinks that Daddy should call her all the time too, she isn't old enough to understand. My mom skypes with her too, which always ends in me having to clean my entire office (since my iMac is in there and the girls don't sit still and go crazy). Alot of my husbands stuff is in there and when I say we just can't skype because I can't just clean all the time and Bella sees all of his stuff and cries, my mom screams at me and tells me that good mom's don't keep grandchildren from their grandparents. My other reason being that Bella just doesn't understand that Daddy can't skype with her because the ship does not have those capabilities and gets really upset. The whole thing is just a big cluster that gets me all worked up.

I hired a nanny to help me out, but after Bella cried for Daddy for a couple hours, she quit. Or I'm assuming she did since she didn't show back up and doesn't return my phone calls.

So what would you do? Maybe another perspective would help. I'm pretty much willing to do anything. I talked to her pediatrician about it and he said that she's stressed (I agree) and to do stuff that is fun, which we do, but she still cries and then she sees kids with their dad's and is hysterical. I asked if maybe it was time to find her a play therapist and he said, "No, I think she'll be okay." She might be okay, but heck...I might not be. We have about a month or so left, do I let it ride? or do I do something now?

I'm lost. Everything is making her upset and I don't know what to do.
_________________
Cait - Mommy to Bella and Reese

Little Hands, Little Feet

The Patriotic Baker-Blog

[Babycakies]

I think this is normal behavior given the circumstance.
What about some activities to keep her busy? Something only you and her can do ( think mama and me swim class) or something only she can do (creative movement dance class)?

Something fun to take her mind off of missing daddy so much and give her something fun to look forward to a couple days a week AND provide her the little bit of confidence boosting to stop the regression.
_________________
~Melanie
- WAHM to Peanut(Dec 03), Bean(May 05) and Sprout (Apr 07).

EweWearEmS
Closed - All booked up!

[FamilyPendragon]

Play therapy with a professional counselor can be really helpful, and can teach you how to help her better as well We are going through it ourselves for other reasons. Sorry you're having such a tough time - deployment is so hard
_________________
~Melissa

Just mommy

[zieroth07]

I never remember being as upset as her when I was growing up, but then again, I'm not close to my dad as my parents were never together.

I think I'm going to push my pediatrician to get her into see someone. Even if it's right now, it should help her in the long run, this is definitely not our last deployment.

We do alot of stuff together, but if I leave Reese, she gets upset that we left Reese. So it seems to be that she just wants everyone together and she's not getting that right now. I feel bad for her. I try not to go near base or near others in uniform because that seemed to be setting her off.

Thanks ladies. It's been a rough month with her and it was almost all of a sudden that she started acting like this, but the older she gets the more she understand so hopefully at some point she'll understand that he didn't just leave her and he's coming back.
_________________
Cait - Mommy to Bella and Reese

Little Hands, Little Feet

The Patriotic Baker-Blog

[FamilyPendragon]

Hugs Momma ((HUGS))
_________________
~Melissa

Just mommy

[oneblestmama]

Aww man mama. Big hugs and hang in there. I would actually push your pediatrician to get a referral. You are doing the best that you can, but it sounds like Bella might need to learn how to cope. I am sure that she was coping before but it sounds like she has reached her limit.

This might be odd, but does she have any male figures in her life other than her Dad? I know that you are not close to your mom, but maybe her Grandpa, or would that set her off even more?

I am sure that when she gets older she will understand but your mom is not helping matters at all with her and to me it almost seems cruel.

Do you have an FRG that plans activities for you all to do? That might be helpful to keep her as busy as possible too.
_________________
Erica
One husband, 3 kids, two spoiled dogs.

[zieroth07]

She doesn't have anyone other than my husband. My dad has rarely been part of my life (unfortunately, I have a very dysfunctional family), but she loves my step dad, but my mom feels like when she'd rather talk to him that Bella is being 'unloving' towards her (argh...what a mess). I say she's two she isn't unloving towards anyone. We have gone to Gymboree a couple times and she gets upset when there are other Daddy's there and hers isn't, so we stopped going because I felt like I was being mean to her by making her go and seeing other kids having fun with their dads.

Our FRG is...a nightmare. We don't go, it's just a lot of drama. We have a paper chain that goes around and she gets to rip off one loop a day and we see the chain getting shorter. I thought that would help her visually, but she's making herself crazy by counting the loops, so I took it down this morning.

I'm going to call her pediatrician tomorrow morning. I just got her to bed after a major super terrible scream-fest. I definitely need to learn ways of coping with her and helping her cope, when she's this upset and no hugs or cookies are working.
_________________
Cait - Mommy to Bella and Reese

Little Hands, Little Feet

The Patriotic Baker-Blog

[Erin]

I was going say maybe play therapy. If you could find a counselor that does play therapy, that might be helpful for her being so young.
Its a really gentle, imaginative, type of therapy. Its not directive at all.
_________________
Erin
Instock: Green Tree Threads
ETSY
Necessitae
Club Thread

[asteiner18]

I am so sorry and agree with the others about the play therapy. Sounds just like what she needs!
_________________
Angel

[BB Butts Diapers]

I am going to suggest some therapy and support for you. You sound frustrated and at a loss (rightly so) and in my experience kids often feed off of the parents which compounds their own feelings and unknowns.

Start there, YOU can get some help and support via that avenue to help her and YOU will not feel at such a loss which might calm eveyone down a little via modeling. There also sounds like there are some other family issues that might be good to get off your chest. Therapy in stressful situations can really be caathartic.

Deployment must be so difficult. I have not gone through it but I have gone through the loss of a spouse and kids are difficult there is no doubt as they do not grasp the concepts.

Remember to take care of YOU through all of this ! (hugs)
_________________
Michelle
Currently closed for customs.

Facebook
BB Butts Diapers
Blog
Etsy