DH left us.

[Leah]

My husband has been struggling with alcoholism since before I met him 11 years ago. He had two DUIs under his belt at the age of 20. I thought, foolishly, that I could love him enough to help him stop. 11 years with this man, two kids, and he chose booze over us. He had stopped drinking for a time, off and on, throughout our marriage, but always went back to it. It recently had gotten very bad, no violence or anything, but he was a falling down drunk and I have had enough. I have no other problems with him, he's attentive, loving, kind, a good father when he notices the kids, provider, lover, my best friend, he spoils me, let's me sleep in, helps me out and is understanding and accomadating in regards to my chronic illnesses. We've built a life together. One I had hoped would last until we died.
I was wrong. I know logically he has a disease, but that doesn't help right now other than for me to keep being angry so I don't call him. He fell off the wagon a couple of weeks ago and never came home. I ended up driving all over the world looking for him, thinking he had an accident and was bleeding to death somewhere. In fact, he had gotten our groceries after work and then decided to just go to the bar and not come home. He was still drunk at noon the next day when we found him at our office. I was able to get him home, showered, and a nap and then talked for hours about it. He promised to quit. He even did for 8 days and then Thursday night came home with beer. Promptly got drunk and passed out sitting up at his computer. After trying to get me to fight with him about his drinking. I would not engage him.

Friday when he finally got up, he wanted to talk about it. Told me he "didn't like it" when he wasn't drinking and that he didn't care what I thought. Said he was a grown man and could do what he wanted. I said okay and that it was his problem, not mine and that I wasn't going to live with a falling down drunk. He left for work. He called a few times during the day to chat and I avoided the subject. Finally, at 9pm, he called and I asked him ifhe was coming home and he said he wasn't, he would stay at one of our apartments in the building we own. I didn't cry, fight or fuss, I said okay and asked when he was picking up his stuff. That threw him for a loop, but he said either Sat, Sun, or Monday.

I haven't heard from him since 11pm last night when he called to yell at me for telling his mother what had happened. She was supposed to take the kids today and Sunday, but I need them here with me so I can have something to do or I'd lose my mind. I told her what happened, told her that he had come home Thurs night with glassy eyes and an armful of beer and that he had drank two on the way home. He was angry, saying I told her he was drunk driving when I pointed out that he was drinking and driving and that's what I told her.

I asked him last night what I was supposed to tell the kids and he said I'd figure something out. Nice. Thanks for nothing. I did get an unknown call last night at 1:30am, but had my ringer off, so I have no idea what that was about. Probably someone calling to let me know he was passed out somewhere. The kids have decided, without me saying anything, that Daddy had to work late at one of our offices that are 3+ hours from home and stayed at a hotel. It is our busiest time of year, we are small business owners and that has happened before, so it's not too unusual. I don't know what to tell them tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. He's denying that he's an alcoholic and saying that I'm the cause of this and that if I'd just let him drink, everything would be fine.
Sorry buddy, not anymore.

[Erin]

I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you.
I also wanted to suggest AA meetings as i have been told by others that attend them, they are very helpful for partners of alcoholics.

I hope this is a journey to healing for you all.
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[Just Nikki]

I am so very sorry
I have watched my brother with this same struggle and I also fear his marriage is headed this way. And I do not blame his wife at all. I could not live with that.
Alcohol is pure evil for those with addictive personalities. Legal, socially acceptable and accessible everywhere.
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. I think you have made the best decision you could possibly make under the circumstances. It has to be up to him what matters more and if he is willing to seriously take on his disease
My FIL was also a terrible alcoholic for years and years. It almost killed him a couple years back and that is the only thing that actually finally woke him up. My DH has attended a few Al-Anon meetings. If you have any in your area, I recommend them. They are wonderful support of those who have alcoholic loved ones.
Link: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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[jumpmama]

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[mama2LilynDevon]

I'm so sorry! I grew up with an alcoholic father and you have absolutely made the right choice. I hope one day he makes the right choice too.
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[meowsandy]

I"m so sorry. This must be so tough for you, but it sounds like you made the right choice.
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[JNW]

It sounds like the right choice--thinking of you and the kids.
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[jennifer.kite]

First of all, this is not your fault! My mom tried to pull that on me several times and even though I knew it wasn't true, it still hurt and made me feel like I wasn't doing anything to help her. I'm hurting so much for you right now. My mom couldn't stop until she spent several years off and on in jail, and that still didn't stop her. It took her dying to clean up her act. They had pronounced her brain dead from her blood alcohol levels and it is only by the grace of God that she survived. The Dr. was amazed she even woke up.

Your husband wont stop until he wants to get help and there is nothing you can do for him. He has to do it for himself. The first step is to no longer enable him, which it sounds like you're doing. I second Nikki. Get yourself involved in Al-Anon. They even have online support groups, but I highly suggest going to a few meetings in person too.

As far as the kids, my suggestion is to be honest with them. My dad never told my younger sisters the real reason my mom was gone and finally ended up telling them she went to jail for smoking cigarettes. Imagine their confusion coming over to my aunt's house and seeing her or other family members outside smoking. They are still very much in the dark on the whole thing at ages (17, 15, and 13) When they come to me and ask about things that happened I'm truthful in a gentle way to make sure my Dad doesn't look like he was lying to them because I know he was just trying to protect them. They would have been much better with truth. Kids can understand a lot at a very young age. I'm not sure your kids' ages, but I'm sure there is a way to be honest with them at a level that they will understand.
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[Leah]

Thank you for all the support, it really means a lot. I plan on starting Alanon on Monday. I told the kids 10 & 8, that Daddy is under a lot of stress right now and he's having a hard time and is staying at our apartment building until he figures out what is bothering him. I told them that he loved them and me and I loved him, but that right now he needed some space, that sometimes adults don't make the best choices and need time to figure things out. I know I need to tell them he's an alcoholic, but I'm not ready, maybe I will be soon. I don't want to say anything bad about him to the kids because I'm not that way. I know he's treating us like crap and I'm pi$$ed at him and want to hit him with a bat, he isn't treating us well and really he's being the biggest POS right now, but my kids love him and I still do, too. I just refuse to live with him until he's in AA and going at least once to twice a week.

[kbrown99]

I don't have anything to add, but couldn't read without at least giving a hug.
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[couchhound]

I couldn't read without sending you a Your plan sounds excellent and very reasonable. He is harming himself, you and your kids. Al Anon is a good plan for you and if they have family groups near you, eventually for your kids as well.
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[My Beautiful Girl]

I wanted to give huge . I completely understand and you have gotten some great advice already.
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[jennifer.kite]

Alanon will definitely help you figure out the best way to tell this kids about his drinking problem in a gentle way without saying anything bad about him as a person. I don't know if they do support groups for kids. If not, they should. 10 & 8. They already know about his drinking problem, but don't know what to make of it, or how to feel. If they are in public school, they have already by this time been taught about drugs and alcohol and how bad they are. They must have tons of mixed emotions knowing it's supposed to be bad, but yet here is daddy doing it all the time.
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[MountianMama]

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[jwpsgurl]

You have gotten some great advice & I hope you find some good emotional support for yourself & the kids. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I wish that someone would have gotten me some help to work through a lot of the emotional issues...definitely something to think about for the kids.
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