Need some advice from Mamas who have had pregnancy losses

[Courtney571]

Okay so here's a bit of history. This is my fourth pregnancy in two years. The first one I miscarried at 4 weeks, the second at 9, and the third was the fetal demise of twins at 7 weeks. The fourth is my current pregnancy. With each of my others, the embryos never developed beyond 5 1/2 weeks... with this one... well... at least two weeks ago, things were progressing very well, and I have another OB appt today where we'll listen to the heartbeat and all that fun stuff.

My question is though, I can't seem to get excited about this one. At least not as into as I want to be. I thought that when you got passed the point where you miscarried before you were supposed to breathe a bit sigh of relief and be able to identify with the pregnancy, but that hasn't happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it.. but I still am in this state of disbelief I guess.

A good example is that I DREAD my church finding out. I'm a choir director, and they'll get all super excited, and it will make me feel stressed out and awkward.. and frankly, slightly guilty. I always feel as if I need to say "Hey, don't get too excited.. it's high risk" when I tell people about it, and I'd like to get past that. Most people don't know about my history so they are all jump up and down and squeally and I'm just not there yet, and it makes me feel very stressed out.

I'm already thickening significantly, so hiding it much longer might not be an option, so I was hoping that some of you ladies who have had multiple losses might be able to give me some suggestions as to how I could connect emotionally with this pregnancy, b/c I really do want to.
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-Courtney :-)
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[Marcsgirl]

How many weeks are you now?

I've not had multiple losses, but I didn't relax with DS's pregnancy until well after the 1st trimester. I lost my first pregnancy at 13.5 weeks and it wasn't until after 16 or so when I started feeling movement that I actually relaxed.
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Amanda, Mom to Tyler (12/05), Wife to DH Marc (7/05)

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[oneblestmama]

I have not had multiple losses but I had a miscarriage the very first time I got pregnant. I was about 6 weeks or so and for subsequent pregnancies, I did not breathe a sigh of relief until after I felt the baby move. When I had my daughter we did not tell anyone but family until I was in my second trimester. I had spotting with her and I was all ready terrified because of it. I really did not get excited or want to have conversations about it until I was feeling her move and starting to show.

When we had my first son we slowly told everyone because I was feeling so sick right off the bat, but my husband was pretty slow to tell his command. He is on submarines and was getting ready to go on patrol. His Commanding Officer liked to know what was going on with families so that if something happened then there would be no surprises. Well, it is one thing to tell a few friends but to tell that information to people we barely knew other then from conversations at work functions was different and my husband and I did not really want to tell his work until we were in a better place with the pregnancy.

I never felt like I was ever at ease with any pregnancy after I lost the first one. For me having that miscarriage took away the total joy and naivete out of my pregnancies and I only felt like I could be cautiously optimistic until I really felt the baby move. I struggled with my one loss, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of mulitple losses or a late term loss.
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Erica
One husband, 3 kids, two spoiled dogs.

[mommy you soap it]

I have had multiple losses, 4 to be exact after having 2 healthy children and 2 very easy pregnancies. When I got pregnant with Alyson, my 3rd child, I remember telling my husband, well the stick says pregnant but we know what that can mean...maybe not good news.

All of my miscarriages were prior to 9 weeks so the early weeks were hard for me and I honestly figured I would miscarry and it was a waiting game. When I started to get morning sickness, I thought well maybe this will work out....we heard the heart beat and it became a bit more real then of course when we had a 20 week ultrasound, it was really real. Her movement helped to make it exciting and real...but I worried all the way until she was born and even a bit after because of her size etc. We didn't have a name for her until about 2 days before she was born.

You may never be at ease, really who is when pregnant but for me as I progressed it got easier to get excited.

I did not tell people I was pregnant until around 18 weeks, I wore baggy sweatshirts and was able to hide her well...When I did tell people they were all in shock that I could hide it..some people did not even know until I was about 32 weeks!

I wish you the best.
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[kbrown99]

[krgolden]

I am the same as many others who have posted. I had a healthy, perfect pregnancy with my first and then had a miscarriage when he was 10 months old. I was devastated! I have a genetic disorder that only gives boys I carry a 50% chance of survival. Even knowing this didn't help. I was very cautious when I got pregnant with dd and even now while I'm pregnant with #3. I put up a wall on my emotions at the beginning and just can't get excited. The sadness and pain are too hard for me if I allow myself to "feel" anything and then have another loss. I will say that as I heard the heartbeat, saw baby on u/s and started feeling baby move I have gotten more and more connected with this baby. It's never been that I don't want it or anything like that. I just am bracing myself for a loss, you know?

I also wait to tell people because I can't bear the thought of having to say I had a miscarriage to everyone. I start only telling family and then close friends after I hear the heartbeat and then everyone else as they see my big belly growing. My family and close friends know my history and pray for baby. They're the ones I would tell if I did have a miscarriage anyway.

So, all that to say that you are not alone in your feelings at all. I think it's a way to cope. Tell people as you feel comfortable and maybe say something like "we're cautiously excited" so that hopefully they take the hint.
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Katie ~ wife to JD. mama to 3 amazing kiddos!

Will knit for trades! I'm looking for Cestari or MMR yarn specifically, but try me

[Babycakies]

Sometimes it doesn't get easier.
I have multiple losses as well as twin fetal demise at 11.5 weeks.
I don't think I ever relaxed during my pregnancy with Liam.
I was convinced on the way to the hospital for my induction that something would go wrong and I would NOT come home with a baby.
That was me, that was my mind, that was who I was at that time/point in my life.
I was so high strung my WHOLE pregnancy that I rode the imaginary line of almost needing intervention for high blood pressure.
My OB/GYN demanded I do something/anything to celebrate any little milestone just to get me to relax.
Every week in my pregnancy was hard and emotional for different reason.
Every week,.. I allowed myself that little baby outfit, that baby toy,.. this was my coping mechanism, it worked for me.

Miscarriage and loss is so personal that no one handles it the same and no one can deal with subsequent pregnancies the same.
Find something that works for you.
I know journaling works well... for any scenario. Your fears, your triumphs, your wishes, your thoughts, your dreams.. write them down,.. give them a place to be.

Shopping and journaling helped me but,.. I still had so far to go.
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~Melanie
- WAHM to Peanut(Dec 03), Bean(May 05) and Sprout (Apr 07).

EweWearEmS
Closed - All booked up!

[happy2Bjustmommy]

I have had 4 early miscarriage, ( between 4 and 8 weeks) and I have had 6 second trimester losses,( between 15 and 22 weeks). I NEVER relax. My son was born at 42 weeks, and after he was born alive, i was in shock. I never really bonded with him while i was pregnant. well I thought i didnt bond with him, I mean. i was happy to be pregnant, but i was afraid to be too attached. ( though i know that is silly because i was instantly attached at the 2 pink lines) My midwife told me after my first son was stillborn, and i found myself pregnant a month later, to not be afraid to love my baby.
she reminded me of this at every visit.
So that is what i will say to you. Do not be afraid to love your baby, because you fear the worst. I started having the mentality, that even if my child, ( hate the word fetus) is only with me for 5, 10, or 30 weeks, I would not want to be able to say, " at least i didnt let myself get attached" Because I am attached instantly.

I love all of my children, even the ones that are no longer here. If i was to to get pregnant again, I would be very nervous, and keep it a secret, but I will remember to love my baby, even though i have a very low chance of carrying to term.

I wish you luck!
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Melissa Mom with 11 kiddos. 4 who run on Earth, 7 who soar with the angels.
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[fairyandgnome]

Hugs mama. I sent you a pm.
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Courtney Photographer/ Midwife apprentice, wife to mike, Adoptive Mama to Landan Lowell (6), IVF mama to River Jordan and Toccoa Garbriel (2.5) and our sweet Evangeline Annaliese is almost ONE!

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[Courtney571]

You ladies are just amazing... and happy2bjustmommy... that just brought me to tears. Thank you so much all of you for making me feel just a bit more normal, and thank you thank you for sharing your stories. I know it's hard, and that so many times, the subject of pregnancy loss seems to be a taboo subject... but I think it helps to be able to open up about it... because they are NOT these dirty secrets that we are hiding... loss of any kind is just part of the process of living, even if it is hard.

Thank you again. My heart feels so big right now. <3
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-Courtney :-)
http://hyenacart.com/MeenBeanMade
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[AmeliaandMacie'sBoutique]

I had 3 before my first live baby, and well you get excited inside, but really you don't breathe that sigh until you see them, and know they are okay. Now the second baby I had I new she was okay, and it was all good. It's hard. I didn't tell anyone at my work until I was 5 months, I don't show fast, or really that much. I think by 20 wks I was only up 3lbs with her, and I wore scrubs. Easy to hide I hope things get easier for you. Just remember those who you do tell are your friends and family, and even if something does happen, it's good to have their support and prayers. More prayers the better. I always thought looking at it that way was easier, otherwise I would not tell anyone with fear I would have to tell them when it went bad. Hugs mama.
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Mollie
Loving mommy to Amelia 8 and Macie 6 and Ellianna 3.5

[MariaM]

My 4th child was still born at 38 weeks 5 days.
So I don't know about getting past the point of your loss(es) and connecting. I was induced at 38 weeks on the nose with #5, so I never even made it to the point of my loss.

I did connect with my baby, and I loved her. Eventually. It took a while. I never believed that I would birth a living baby. Even during labor and delivery.

I completely understand what you're saying about not wanting to let other people down. I felt the same way, I was lucky enough to eeeek it out to around 26 weeks before I had to tell people. But even then I felt like the weight of hundreds of people's happiness was weighing on my shoulders. I couldn't bare the thought of letting them all down. Again. Breaking all those hearts. Again.
Close to the end of my pregnancy my mom told me that she and my sister had decided this needed to be my last baby because it was just too stressful for them. FOR THEM. Talk about adding to my already immense sense of guilt. It was probably the most unintentionally hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cocooned myself in and focused on me and my baby and my family and us making it through that time. I recommend doing the same if it suits you.
My advice is to do what feels right to YOU and your heart. It will all work out in the end.
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Maria: mom to Kyler, Kileah, Sophia, our angel Lucy and our rainbow Amelia, wife to Ben
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