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Madaline's Story
I will warn you now this story is heartbreaking, or at least it broke my heart.
In
the winter of 2003 I found out I was pregnant with our second child.
We were quite surprised as our first child, Julien, was only 6 months
old. We were so excited though as we always wanted more children. By
the time I saw I the OB for the first visit I was already 8wks along.
Wonderful I though, maybe this pregnancy will be quicker then the last
which seemed to drag on forever. Or maybe I just wanted that child so
much, I was very impatient. At our 18wk ultrasound it was found that
we were having a girl. I was so excited. I thought all was perfect
and God had blessed me for being such a good mom to son that he gave me
a daughter. Everything was PERFECT. My due date was September 1st.
I
was so excited I went out and purchased some little girl clothing. It
was so much fun shopping for little pink things. I carefully washed
and dried the little clothing, then hanging it in her closet.
As
the weeks came and went I got closer to my due date. I was still
unsure if I'd have the repeat c-section that my OB was recommending or
if I would try for the VBAC.
During my pregnancy I noticed
she didn't move as much as my son and that when she did move it was
very light movements. I accounted this to my nurse practitioner at my
26wk visit, who assured me that I was busy with my son and just didn't
notice the movements she did. And I further assumed that the light
movements were due to a decrease in feeling since I had a c-section
with my son.
The Sunday I turned 30wks I noticed I hadn't felt
the baby move for some time. I lied down and tried to feel her. Still
nothing. When my husband came home I told him about this. He then
tried to feel her. He said he could and we went to bed. The next
night the same thing happened. Again I went to bed thinking all was
okay and at my appointment the next day I would find all was well.
I
went to that appointment and in an unusual twist of fate brought my
son, something I NEVER did. Again, I told the NP about the lack of
movement. She then attempted to hear the baby's heartbeat. After a
minute she said she'd be right back. I was then taken into the
ultrasound room. After a few minutes of lying on that table I heard
the words I will never forget. "Jenny hun we aren't seeing a
heartbeat" I have never had such a sentence impact my life like that
one did. I kept thinking there has to be some mistake. I had a very
normal and low risk pregnancy with my first, I could not just loose my
second in this way. I just started crying and hugging my son. It's a
weird feeling having a huge belly with a baby in it that has passed
on.
They told me they could call my husband or I could. I
didn't want him to hear this from anyone but me so I called. That was
very difficult. And something I never want to do again.
I
arrived at the hospital, since I had to be induced and go though labor
to have her. After two days at the hospital and several threatened
c-sections, she arrived at 12:13am on June 27th, 2003 at 30wks
gestation. All my hopes that the monitors, doctors, nurses were wrong
was crushed when she silently arrived. She was small for her gestation
only about 1lb. We got to hold her and talk to her, our families got
to see her, they gave me some clothing for her to wear. It seemed to
go so fast. That time with her. I remember leaving her, taking all my
little mementos. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was terrible. No
mother should have to leave a hospital without a child.
As
terrible as all that was, the doctor office, the hospital, the
funeral. One of the worst was putting away her clothes. It was truly
the death of my dream.
The day lily flowers that bloom
outside my house every year are always a reminder of her. Their orange
hue is a sad and joyous reminder of her.
One of my favorite quotes is this... "Please tread lightly as dreams are buried here."
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